Offensive Driving

Dear Dr. K,

Sometimes when I drive, I get really angry at the other drivers.  I have taken the defensive driving course.  Is there any such thing as an offensive driving course?

Signed,

Behind the wheel.

Dear Behind the Wheel,

There are ways to become a better Offensive driver without taking a course. Most offensive drivers are the first to pull out the middle finger, curse or even drive erratically to intimidate the defensive drivers that are so carefully abiding by the law and taking care to do their best job on the road. But there’s another type of offensive driver that is actually a hybrid offensive/defensive driver. This is the type of driver I recommend you become. This type of driver does their best to follow the law and is careful to do their best on the road, but when they get really angry at the other drivers — like you get angry sometimes — they take out the weapon of their choice (usually a gun) and wave it offensively at the other driver. Then they chase this driver to the point where the other driver either wrecks and seriously injures himself or until they pull into a police station. You don’t need a course to learn how to be an offensive driver. Save your money and buy a gun.

Dr. K.