Is Splenda splendid?

Dear Dr. K,

I read that Splenda is splendid.  Is that true?

Signed,

Sugar Head.

Dear Sugar Head,

It’s so splendid that one should comment on this drug. Yes, I am a doctor and yes I can call it a drug because it is. And here’s the background on that lovely yellow packet.

Is it a coincidence that Splenda is packaged in a yellow packet? I say not. The reason why is that Splenda got its beginnings in the rough, inner city region near Compton, CA (a region rich with the best crack in the nation and the place where the most revered drug dealers got their millions). If you are driving down Long Beach Highway, just before you reach Compton, there’s a small town Splendamn – yes, this is a made-up name by those who live there because the city name was really Splendid. If you look on a map and zoom in really deep, you might actually find it.

But as plight took over, those who live in Splendid humorously changed the name from Splendid to something that would reflect what they felt was their living conditions – living in hell – thus the “damn” suffix. And Spendamn lived on forever.

It didn’t take long before the town of “Speldamn” became a feeding ground for crack and as any crack user would know, the best rock has a yellow tint to it (thus, the yellow packaging). These geniuses eventually realized that if they packaged and sold this stuff as an additive to “sweeten” up drinks, they might be able to fly under the radar.

For marketing reasons, they called it Splenda (without the “mn” on the end to make it more marketable). And here we are in 2009 with millions of Americans relying on Splenda to get them going in the morning, is it any wonder why we are addicted to this stuff?

Splenda is crack.

And because crack is also called sugar, the homies who market it to all the crackers nationwide can say that it’s made from sugar and therefore they cannot be held accountable for this claim.

So to answer you question, Splenda is Splendid. That’s where it’s made and it’s made millions of us happy, alert and completely addicted to using it first thing in the morning – and throughout the day.

Concrackulations Splenda addicts,
Dr. K.