Interviews with Our Glorious Conglomeration of Writers

Below, please find yet another hidden gem among the rough that is as such this collection of online essays.  We present to you the live, unedited, harsh, concise, scathing, demonstrative, fact-checking, deep inquiry interview process that is as such the interview process with our writers.

We open this correspondence to you, dear reader, with the best of intentions–we cannot be held liable for libel, nor can we be held very close to your heart, lest we break it with unexpected disappointments: alas, we are Men.  We are prone to cultivating disappointments.

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Gentle men(‘s Jack).
Allow me to introduce Joel Martine, alias to be determined. He is a fine old lad. A friend from my corporate dungeon days at “[previous corporate entity]“. 

Joel sir, as part of our interview/hazing process, all current writers get to ask you a question, which may or may not be posted publicly, as part of your interview for this writing position (downward forearmed dog).
I begin thus:
Joel sir (aka _____)
After your corporate job, processing words, you mention in your draft of your memoir that you worked then at an advertising agency that stocked items in the refrigerator. 1 question 1 follow up and possibly a few tangents, if I may; juice boxes–in said fridge? Juice boxes cool or uncool?
And why do the Brits call an advertisement an “advert” and why do they put the emphasis on “vert”? Green in french, I believe. Are they once again mocking the french?

The floor is yours.
Questions from Steve and Dan will now follow. Please reply all and wash your hands after masturbation.

Gentlemen,

I can only hope to undertake this interview process with the wide-eyed ignorance of a Sarah Palin and the dogged cynicism of a Clarence Thomas. I am ready.

First, I feel I ought to disclose to you the full breadth of my yoga experience, as its apparent relevance to these proceedings demands. I have participated in only one yoga retreat, beginning after the first time I took a yoga class, but I have been committed in my retreat from yoga since that time.

I prefer the alias “bobsmeerfak”, all lowercase please, for reasons which fall outside the interest of these proceedings, and perhaps even outside the interest of anyone, anywhere.

I don’t recall the interview in which I described my post-[corporate] credentials. Nonetheless, I wish to clarify the following: I worked on-staff for another financial firm for five years, one whose culture and office design resembled those of an ad agency, or college fraternity. I’ve since left this firm, and the corporate world at large, and I am awaiting my transcripts to see how I might apply those credits toward my current, and final, push in my acting and singing career.

The Firm, as we’ll refer to it, did liberally stock a large refrigerator with a variety of beverages, including several juices. They also maintained cabinets full of great-tasting, nutritionally invalid snack foods which were free for the taking and left completely to our indiscretion. Finally, they upheld the practice of a full, open-bar happy hour on Fridays at 5pm which evoked all the sensations of a crowded singles club. Its boundaries were porous; I was free to enjoy all its benefits and return to my desk at any time to engage in high-level PowerPoint work for clients whose contracts totaled in the hundreds of millions of dollars.

In direct response to your question regarding my stance on juice in the fridge, I wish to indirectly reply by drawing an analogy at once so obvious, and yet so critical to understanding my position on the issue. The Juice, it has been clearly shown, poses a significantly reduced threat to society when contained in the Fridge. While once allowed to flow unregulated on the outside, this led to several gruesome deaths and a low-speed SUV chase on busy Los Angeles freeways. Final action was not taken, however, until a tragic (and unnecessary) flareup of kidnapping and sports memorabilia racketeering threatened to completely absorb the already short national attention span. Keeping Juice in the Fridge has limited this threat to the point where serious debate on the issue is rhetorical, if not impossible.

Likewise, juice boxes, if placed in a (working) fridge, will become cool, and will retain a level of freshness appropriate to periodic examination, handling and sampling by the public without excessive risk. We have learned this the hard way, just as Upton Sinclair learned us the hard way about the regulation of meat packing and safer standards for pickle loaf.

Though I do not know the reason, I have to agree that the English never use the shorter, easier “ad” when the more long-winded, time-consuming “advert” or “advertisement” is available to them. However, this is perhaps a window to the reason why after all. In fairness, I do have to contend that they only emphasize the “vert” when using the full “ad-VERT-is-ment”, not when employing the more colloquial “AD-vert”. I believe any congruence between this syllable and the French language is coincidental, however, not etymological. Indeed, if the British could mock the French in their pronunciation of “advertisement”, they would certainly add it to their “colourful” Frog-bashing palette; the opportunity is simply not there.

I would like to request from the Panel a glass of water, and then I will be happy to take any further questions, including those of the surname-less Dan and Steve.

Thank you.

Joel Martin*
*”Martine” is an alternative ethnic spelling favored by the Frogs and the Latin American community.