And you thought picking your kids’ name was tough

We can thank thieves for so many things that make our lives so much more difficult.

Think of all the times you’ve second guessed whether or not you locked your front door, your car door, your garage door — would you care as much if we weren’t in an age of “get what you can for free” – even if it means stealing someone’s stuff.

Someone’s stuff to me always meant bikes, cars, jewelry – concrete things one can grab and go. Who could have predicted your concern now about an 8 character key that basically unlocks your life to anybody who can crack it.

Welcome to the age of the password.

Typically 8 characters long (Hey p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d is 8 characters, too) and so difficult for anybody to crack that the owner of the password usually has a very difficult time remembering what the hell it is, too. Add to that the fact that the creator of the password can forget it, but not crack his own password; and you’ve got a kid out of high school who can hack into your bank account because he can figure out your password in a matter of seconds and folks (deep breath), we’ve got an epidemic on our hands.

And unfortunately, it’s an epidemic that you can control and have created. Here’s why.

Let’s take a look at some of the most popular passwords being used:

Anyone can see why these people are getting hacked into. There’s no creativity here.

Now let’s take a look at the top ten kids names:

Not a single well-known Joe or Jane on the name list.

But we do have a 123456 leading off our list of top passwords.

Folks, maybe identity theft and online crime wouldn’t be at such a high rate if everybody wasn’t doing everything online and using passwords like 123456. Maybe, if you took a few minutes to think of something just a little more creative than 123456 — something as boldly creative as Jayden or Chloe for your password would do much better — then we wouldn’t be worrying about how freaking complex a password has to be to operate safely online.

While I want to point my fingers at thieves, it really comes down to you.

Get smart. Get creative. Get a real password.

There Are Just Too Many Damn Passwords

Too many passwords, too little time.
Too easy to forget.
If there are too many passwords, doesn’t it follow that we have too many places and things that are demanding our private attention?

Current password requirements on my list of things to forget:

1. Home email
2. Mac mail
3. Work email
4. Work computer login (Windows)
5. Home computer login (Mac)
6. Property Management software login
7. Real estate site
8. Multiple listing site
9. Instanet (online contract management)
10. General Electric Lockbox settings
11. Voicemail at work
12. Voicemail on cellphone
13. Bank login
14. Business bank login
15. Credit check login
16. Facebook
17. Band advertising (Sonicbids)
18. Personal website
19. Netflix

And then calculate that most of these sites want some type of “strong” password that entails a capital letter, a number, and at least six characters.
I tried to use fluffy123 for everything as Dr. K. prescribed but it didn’t work.  It wasn’t a strong enough password.
I also tried “password” as the password but that was already taken.

20. Skype login.

21. Twitter!  (Can’t forget that one.  So useful to post those 1-line zingers!)

If I had a key for each of these passwords I would have a key ring that weighed 1/2 a pound!  My key ring would more noise than a belly dancer strutting to the dance floor.  My key ring would tear a hole in my pocket.

Why not have a black book locked away in the safe for all the passwords, like Ritter in “Clear and Present Danger”?  Jack Ryan small talked Ritter about playing tennis while Ryan was cracking into Ritter’s terminal: “Jack, computer theft is a serious crime.”

And don’t forget the PIN numbers.  They count as passwords also.

1. Bank/debit card.
2. Business bank debit card.
3. 2nd business bank/debit card.

Where is the technology solution to this technological solution of protection?  Where is the finger print reader attachment for all keyboards?  Where is the webcam/retina scanner?  Where is the voice activated, voice verification computing device?

Lord Fezzik Creates and Destroys the Passworld

In the beginning was the word, but that word took a pass. So there came into being another word, which was slightly longer and more creative sounding. But this second word was not enough. As it was too close to the first word, the second word would allow access to the first word through itself after becoming known a posteriori. So there came into being a third word which would allow access to the second word after itself was known a posteriori. Once access was granted to the second word it was up to the user to come to know the second word a posteriori which would allow access to the word (henceforth referred to as word1) which could only be known a priori. If the user were able to know both word3 and word2, he would gain access to word1 which would lead to the sacred email inbox of Lord Fezzik.

Lord Fezzik, thought by most to be a brawny simpleton but actually just deeply self-conscious, reasoned that the only way to protect his holy inbox was to create more and more words that one must pass through. For Lord Fezzik knew if his inbox were revealed and someone began spamming his friends with ads for viagra and penis enlargement, he would absolutely die of embarrassment and never be able to show his face at a party again. Therefore, Lord Fezzik created word4 and word5 and so on, and called them passwords.

One day, while out for a stroll, Lord Fezzik was struck by an acutely severe panic attack triggered by the thought that his enlightened inbox was still not secure. His eyes began darting anxiously to each person walking past him, broadcasting his paranoia and pleading with the universe to tell him everyone wasn’t laughing at him. At his wit’s end, he began to spin in place and let out a helpless groan, when a child, about 10 yards away yelled, “Retard!” and threw an apple that smacked him in the temple. The child’s callous act shook him from his anxious state, whereupon a radical new idea wormed its way up and out of his brain; security questions.

Utilizing his heightened reasoning abilities, Lord Fezzik thought that if one were forced to answer questions that only Lord Fezzik would know the answers to, and then have to pass through the multitude of words, he could finally rest assured that no one else would witness his unknowable inbox. So Lord Fezzik commanded the questions to come into being. And they were:

What is your mother’s maiden name?

What was your first car (make and model)?

What year did you graduate from high school?

What is your favorite food?

And at last satisfied, Lord Fezzik journeyed home and laid down to rest.

The next morning Lord Fezzik awoke, rubbed his eyes and stumbled to his computer to check his email. Upon attempting to log in, he was prompted by a security question, just as he had commanded. “What is your mother’s maiden name?” flashed on the screen. He sat upright and cracked a slight grin, awash with pride at the genius of his personalization. “Ms. Fezzik,” he typed and he was allowed to pass. Ironically, it seemed that as protective as Lord Fezzik was with his email account, he still had no qualms giving away personal information to a third party computer system, but…moving on…

Next, he was prompted to enter his password which was ********.
“Incorrect password. Please try again,” was the computer’s response. “What? This can’t be,” he thought, and he typed ******** again. “Incorrect password. Please try again,” was the computer’s response. Lord Fezzik tried again and again but always received the same reply until he realized there were just too many damn passwords and not even he could access his sacred inbox, or golden bank account, or hallowed Facebook page, or angelic Amazon account with reduced rate shipping, or read his friend’s news article recommendations from CNN or the BBC.

So Lord Fezzik called customer service at each one of these fine establishments. To each representative, he calmly and politely explained that he’d created too many damn passwords and couldn’t remember them. He explained he couldn’t remember if he was on word205 or word2005 and that even if he got to word1 again, he wasn’t sure if he could remember what it was, much less know it a priori, which was necessary to know it at all. “And if I have forgotten the word from which all others sprung, then there is no absolute the other words of pass point to, so I’ve just been aimlessly remembering letters stitched together as nonsense leading me down a chasm of falsely represented experiential knowledge (pop-ups) dancing outside the core reasoned and objective definition that is my holy, sacred, immaculate, unknowable and ridiculously overprotected email account.”

“I’m sure that’s true, sir,” the customer service representative replied. “How can I help you today?” “I need to know my password!” Lord Fezzik demanded. “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t keep accessible records of our customer’s passwords. However, if you like, I can reset your password and email a new, temporary password to you…”