Official Transcript of the Concession Speech

Well folks, it’s been a long hard fight and we’ve been working like dogs.  It’s been a long fight, a fight the good fight.  We’ve fought the good fight, and we came out with our best effort.  We gave it our best, and it seems our best was just not good enough.

They say second place is first losers and I suppose that’s what we are.  But I’m not going to let that get us down.  I made promises to you.  I promised you corrections.  I promised you the reality.
I promised you I would raise taxes– but only on your neighbors.
I promised you I would get you a job even if it meant taking a job from someone you knew.  But you know what?  What?  That’s right, what. . . that was almost as if we rehearsed that.  Haha.
But you know what?  Taking a job and getting a job are two entirely different things, people.  You can either find a job, or you can go get a job.  And if by getting that job you take a job from someone else, well then, so be it.  You may just be the one that’s working extra to get that job and by God you deserve it.  Yes, you do.
And speaking of God, I know I asked all of you to pray that my opponent got boils and sores and all that but from here on out, I want you to retract those prayers and put in good Christian prayers, prayers of love and not lust, of forgiveness—mainly your own– and for kindness and respect (none of which my opponent really deserves, except that he being a good Christian –ignoring that Sally Drecker incident we reported in our hate campaign—a good Christian, a good Christian neighbor.  And he may, in fact, be your neighbor.  He may, in fact, be that neighbor that took your job—well actually, he’d be the one that took my job—but don’t you mind all that.  Let’s just retract the dogs, and the fecal mines laid out on his land, and all the late night phone calls, and the email porn blasts and all that good campaign stuff, in the spirit of campaigning, you know, a friendly fire campaign, a competitive campaign.
Let’s put it all away and not play the blame game on the illegals who maybe didn’t hit the right button in the voting booth, or the shoulda game on my staff, who also are going to be unemployed, or the I wish game like I wished I’d kept better accounting records of all that money you have donated to my campaign.
Let’s just agree to disagree that it was or was not a good campaign and that sometimes the best does not always win, and that sometimes money does buy you everything—even if it is tainted money from an extortion scam with a teenage girl you thought you got pregnant but you didn’t and then they had the photos doctored to say the doctor said you did it—even that money is green, no matter how much blood and guts and glory it’s got on it.

So for now, good people, good county men, this here wide open beautiful county of Belleview, I hope you get the best Town Councilman you deserve because, well, you get what you vote for.

Thank you.  God Bless Belleview County.  And God Bless you all.

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