Glory and the Drive-Thru

America’s landscape is pock-marked with drive-thrus.  Once known for purple mountain’s majesties and its fruited plains, America has streamlined the processing of amber waves of grain into one delectable treat after another.  And in true capitalist fashion of giving the customer what he wants, one doesn’t even have to leave the car.  What could be more American than stuffing those fat cheeks and bloated ass of yours without even having to stand up?  What could be more democratic than the power of choice? (Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Burger King etc.) What screams “freedom” louder than your decision to do nothing?

The drive-thru.

And even more so if your car is too large to fit into the drive-thru.  In which case, a real American would use his cell phone to call the order in and have someone bring it out to him.  We wouldn’t want to overexert ourselves, would we?

With all of the technological progress of the 20^th century, one might think the drive-thru had reached its peak, its zenith, its over(golden)arching reach into American life, manifesting convenience and novelty where once existed nothing.  And if you did, you would be wrong.

Do you have to go grocery shopping after work today and then attempt to have dinner ready before the latest episode of Lost comes on?  Did you have to use your lunch break to deliver your child’s inhaler to him at school?  Do you still have to find time to go by the bank and the drugstore tomorrow even though your daughter has ballet lessons, your son has karate and the plumber is supposed to show up at 3:30?  How will you ever find the time to visit grandma as she just unexpectedly “bought the farm?”

Now you can with the drive-thru funeral.  Just roll up, have a gander at grannie’s lifeless corpse, feign concern and consideration…maybe even reminisce for a moment (because there may be someone watching), sign the register and be on your merry way.  You can get all of those things done in one day without the depressing weight of death crushing your routine.  Who needs all of that negativity anyway?  You live in the land of the living.  And since you signed the register, no one but you will be the wiser about your little ounce of disrespect.  Certainly not granny, she’s stone cold dead.  All hail the wondrous onslaught of the mighty armies of progress!

The drive-thru is one of the greatest American innovations of the 20^th century.  It’s a place where ordinary citizens come to have the cares and concerns of everyday life whisked away with a smile by one of the establishment’s delightful staff in a speedy, efficient, and consistent manner.  Let us all pray for the continued exploitation of the environment in the service of US, its omniscient and powerful overlords.